Like everyone who has at least one brain cell I can only watch on, in disbelief at the state of western politics, which is usually dominated by the loudest single mouth on the planet: Donald Trump. His continuing determination to become the biggest laughing stock and least respected politician seeing him resort to childish, personal attacks against anyone that doesn’t kneel down behind him, shimmy his diaper to the side and pucker up. The dissociation we are all witnessing is terrifying not only because this man's tiny, greasy finger is hovering, unstably over the nuke button. But also because it reinforces the bigger picture; that the position of President of the USA is no longer achieved by capability and personal merit but what you can offer to the people who benefit the most financially from laws and contracts: the rich.
Anyway here's some definitely real excerpts from press conferences with Trump.
Reporter: Regarding Tim Walz, Mr. President, do you think he should resign over the fraud scandal in his state?
Trump: You wanna know what I think about Tim? I think he's garbage. He’s an incompetent man that — you know what? All Tims are garbage. How could any man be a good man with a name so short? it ‘s only got one vowel, a lot of people say to me, and they'll tell you this, they say: “Donald, you’re a good president, the best president in the world, probably in the history of the world. And not only that…” They say “your name has the best number of vowels that any name could ever have”. And it's true, everyone knows, we all know I'm the best at everything and the best president ever
Reporter: Mr. President, on Venezuela. Can you tell us more about why the airspace above Venezuela should be considered closed?
Trump: Yeah, Venezuela is a bad country, a very bad country. If I was going to call any country a shit hole right now it would be Venezuela. You know why? There’s a lot of bad people in Venezuela but not as many as there were and they’ll tell you, they’re sending them over here. Literally hundreds of millions of narco-gang-trafficking-terrorists every year, and I'm not even making money off of it, it's terrible, but we're gonna be blowing them out of the water and I mean literally blowing them out of the water, we’re using military grade weapons of war to obliterate drug boats, it's really spectacular, you should see it.
Reporter: Do you have any concerns about how those boat strikes have been carried out at all?
Trump: You got a fat head, you know that? You got a real fat, stupid head. You know why? It’s so fat because of all the dumb questions you got stored up in there. If you wanna ask me questions about the boat strike I’ll tell you, and they’ll tell you, they’re tremendous. Well, they’re not gonna tell you because they’re in billions and billions of pieces floating around in the Caribbean. They’ve got a lot of water out there, it’s fascinating, really and each of those boats is carrying enough drugs to kill a hundred million Americans every year for the next three years and I don't get a single dollar from any of it. We’re gonna work out a way, we’re doing it now, we've got a lot of people, the smartest people in the world and they’re gonna make it so that I can at least get a couple bucks every time or what’s the point, you know?
Reporter: How long does your administration plan to pause asylum into the US?
Trump: A long time. It’s gonna be a real long time. To be honest with you, I don't want 'em here at all. They’re bad people, they’re not like me; they don't look like me, they don’t smell like me, they've all got fat heads like you and all your buddies here. You’re all stupid people if you want them in our country, they come from shit hole countries like whatever the one I said before was, they’re barely even countries, just dirt roads and mud huts. You’re the worst media the world has ever seen, you write mean stuff about me that’s true, you call out any positive stuff about me as being lies and it hurts me in my big, fat— I mean totally normal sized head.
Reporter: Yeah. How many countries, yeah, would you put on that list?
Trump: We gave you the list, it’s about 19, I think. All the brown ones, and the ones that are a little less brown but still not white, and honestly it’s probably more than that. I change the rules for it every time I have a loose bowel movement so it’s a couple times an hour. Hey, where did you get that suit? It looks awful. Did you walk into the store and ask for the worst suit they had? Seriously, I’ve never seen a suit look stupid on a person. I’ve seen a suit look that stupid on a raccoon but that's because the raccoon was heavily sedated and he was trying to dance around the dinner table and they’ll tell you, he was getting all the moves wrong. Even then it was more the raccoon looking stupid, not the suit.
Reporter: What do you mean by, uh, reverse migration?
Trump: We gotta get ‘em outta here. They’re no good, there's too many of ‘em and we— we’re working on it, big plans. Big, big plans. We’ve got one of those, what do you call it? Capper, catty, catapult? That’s right we’ve got a big fucking catapult, it’s fantastic, it really is. They said it's the biggest catapult they’ve ever seen and it really is. We’re gonna load it up at the border and start firing ‘em all back over there. We can load up 5 maybe 6 of them each time, we duck tape pillows to their heads, we launch ‘em over there then bill the Mexicans for the pillows, its beautiful.
Reporter: Mr. President, on healthcare, because it's so important to so many Americans.
Trump: Listen sweetheart, yes you with the weird tall head that still looks fat even though it's really tall and narrow, it kind of looks like a zucchini , that’s what I call ‘em as an American, you know, but like a real fat zucchini. Anyway, healthcare isn’t gonna be a problem for millions of Americans. With the Favored Nations we’re gonna be paying 500%, 600%, 700% less which if you know about maths like I do, which no one does, I'm the best at math, in the world probably, they'll tell you: that means the companies are gonna start paying you along side your meds. You’ll go down to CVS, pick up your prescription and one of the beautiful young women they have there will give you your insulin and a check for $2000. I've been getting paid by Big-Pharma for years so now it’s time for someone else to see how it feels—
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